Trust & Conversation Killers in Teams: Read this before you next ‘speak your truth’ !
In last year’s Block, the mischief that Tanya created was dubbed ‘the cheating scandal’. It wound its way in, out and around the show for three months, never quite going away and raising its ugly head, just when people thought relationships were kind of back on track.
It occurred to me that this is exactly what happens in teams when there’s a breakdown in trust and a lack of discussion and ownership. It’s not always something you can actually see and indeed, people seem to get on ‘quite well’ when we see them in a team session. This trust thing is an insidious little creature. It’s multifaceted, and often viewed differently by each person. We see examples of this when asking each team member confidentially, about the degree of trust that exists in their team [scale of 1-10, 10 being highest].
In individual coaching sessions, when discussing a breach of trust that’s occurred with a colleague, we’ll often hear leaders say that they have ‘moved on’ from the issue. But, saying that and actually embodying it, are two very different things. Human beings can underestimate how their body language or their ‘tell’s, can communicate something quite different to what they say verbally. As coaches, we can actually ‘feel’ the incongruency emanating from them, even virtually.
Inevitably, the issue comes to the surface again, like one of those big killer whales that swims smoothly under the surface of the water, completely undetected, only to crash out of the waves and dump on the surface to the surprise of everyone around.
“I thought we were done with that!” said one contestant on the Block 2021. Whilst another said – “not even close – I’m still steaming about it”.
And so it is with teams - except they are a lot less frank about it.
Then this:
It was utterly fascinating watching Tanya as she wriggled away from owning up to the cheat – until eventually, she was caught out and could no longer blame, subvert or hide. And again, it reminded me of what happens in teams.
Follow the link to ‘Mark 'smells BS' in Tanya's apology for the schedule photo scandal’ – the TRUTH was Tanya took the photo herself [see Curating the Truth Narrative - below]
We see myriad ways in which people justify and defend, and often outright deny their part in an issue. Here are some of the phrases and language we hear when, people do this.
See if you relate to any of these and/or perhaps you have some from your own experience, to contribute. All utterly understandable, utterly human, yet so divisive to good teamwork and trust within teams.
The non apology, sometimes called the faux apology
“I’m sorry you feel that way”
“I’m sorry if you took offence to anything I said” OR
“I’m sorry if our decision to do XYZ disappointed anyone”, and the like.
Sound like someone you know?
The non-apology is said to be amongst the most infuriating of apologies, according to HBR. The article states that whilst it ‘sounds’ like an apology, dissect the semantics and it’s quite the opposite.
The offloading
“I’m just speaking my truth – when a person says something and backs it up with “I’m just speaking my truth”, it often lands badly and/or hurtfully. Nevertheless, they stand behind their truth, no matter what the real truth might be.
This one fascinates me the most. The speaking of one’s truth is something that’s emerged increasingly in the last few years.
The first time I heard the phrase it was delivered by one of the most narcissistic bosses I ever had the misfortune to work for. I’ve heard it more and more since then and, for some reason, it’s never sat comfortably with me.
I have found myself wondering: is it your truth or the truth and what’s the difference?
Tanya from The Block, used the phrase regularly during the ‘cheating’ incident, as she continued to explain and justify her actions – it was very cleverly delivered as well: calm, articulate and said with a smile, but still lacked something that I just couldn’t put my finger on immediately – then I got it… it lacked warmth, authenticity, realness and I could feel it.
The cost of faking it
Many employees today know when their leaders are faking it and it’s one of the key reasons they leave organisations - so beware!
After a debate with my friends, we agreed that the saying “I’m just speaking my truth” lacked all the things people crave in relationships: honesty, sincerity and integrity, and the things people dislike the most: scapegoating, gaslighting and covering one’s b--t, at the same time, being able to deliver it with aplomb and surface credibility.
It’s incredible to watch - and as is often delivered very well - mostly by intelligent, charismatic people! And Tanya was a master at it.
Whilst The Block is a television show, we see all of this and more, playing out in teams, and I’ve come to the conclusion that ‘speaking one’s own truth’ is often in fact, the opposite. It’s designed to mask the actual truth!
When there is discord, tension or breakdowns in teams, we often see one person giving ‘advice’ to others. The person speaking their truth might see it as admitting their accountability, but that’s not always how it lands for people.
This of course, is rarely in lockstep for the receiver of this person’s truth, and is therefore not constructive at all!
Interestingly, we rarely if ever, see the person speaking their truth giver acknowledge their own contribution to the issue at hand. It’s almost as if they’re not part of the relationship at all – perhaps that’s their point!
So what to do?
Speaking your truth, only works when you do so in a responsible way.
For example:
It means, that you will know for absolute certain that ‘your truth’ is actually the truth and not your childish wounds speaking – we all have them!
It means, that you’ve gone internally, done the reflection and work on yourself, so that you can ‘own’ your stuff. At that point, you will have likely found the source of your very own truth.
Once you’ve found the source, only then will you be able to speak constructively, using direct, clear language without that edge that can creep in, in a passive avoidant way. This means acknowledging and navigating feelings of shame, being vulnerable and humble infront of your peers.
Not at all easy and could be seen as career limiting for some. At the same time, employees are expecting this more and more from their leaders and organisations. [Well documented research you’ll find with a quick google search].
PHQ Case Study
One leader we encountered in a Team Coaching program, could often be heard saying “…I’m direct, I tell it like it is”. They were unaware that their selection of language was hard, provocative and in some cases, hurtful. Their early corporate experience was in tough male-dominated blue-collar environments, which had made him very resilient.
Their high energy, drive and intellect made them a rain maker within their sector. At the same time, they had been fired from organisations and wore it as a badge of honour. They’d forcefully express their views - ‘their truth’ - to anyone who would listen and even to those who didn’t want to and dominate any, if not every discussion. They became so frustrated and angry, that in the midst of a team session it all came out in an expletive-ridden couple of sentences. Then they left the Teams call and didn’t return. …childish wounds speaking…
The upside of this approach, I surmised, is that it’s coming out of their mouth rather than silently out of every pore.
The problem with it, was that it impacted their relationship with the reat of the team and obliterated and any chance of safety in the team for future discussions.
So in essence, you may agree with the research, that a person has the the right to speak your truth only when they’ve gone through the necessary self reflection, thought through what they want to say, who it may impact - then say it with very clear intention and empathy.
A colleague who works as a mediator in corporations [when relationships between two parties have broken down] - said the following:
“I hear people say they’re speaking their truth but they actually have little/no idea what their truth is. They’ve never met their truth! They’ve never gone there. They’ve no idea who they really are and what’s true for them, so they just say stuff out of anger, hurt and frustration, they become a toddler again”
Our limited mobility during various lockdowns, still is, straining relationships. Especially for those who feel they are carrying the load of the worries, guilt, and responsibility for their business and their families as well. And the more intimately we know people, the more we tend to unload on them, negatively impacting the relationship with words and gestures even when we care deeply about them.
Be mindful of your emotions
Whether in the role of leader, coach, partner, or friend, can we do ourselves a favour and be mindful of the emotions we carry into a conversation with team members?
The more stressed we feel, the easier our emotions will hijack our good sense and caring heart. When our over-protective brains sense a need to defend ourselves, even one word in retaliation can cause permanent harm to relationships.
In the next blog I’ll shed some light on how to better manage our triggers so as to avoid blurting out trust and relationship killers! Stay tuned for that.
If you're interested in finding out more about how executive and/or team coaching can support you, book in a 15 min call with me.
Till then, our best wishes go out to you, your teams and your families, particularly those in Northern NSW and Queensland
Jacqui + the team at PHQ
Curating [or creating] the TRUTH narrative
Sprung! Somewhat the truth…? - CLICK HERE
Curating [or creating] the truth…? - CLICK HERE
Finally the truth will out…? - CLICK HERE
Interesting reading… – CLICK HERE
I hope that people can understand that I'm human, I made a mistake.
How do you feel about Josh and Luke coming forward on the last episode?
I got hoodwinked - it was disappointing because I was keeping this story going as we'd promised each other. I just wish they would have told me so I could have had the same opportunity.